Dear Santa,
My name is Wendy and I have a list of things I want for Christmas, but before I get to that, we need to talk.
A few days ago, my good friends Leroy Joe Bob and Bubba Jr. were busy with pen and paper and from their conversation I realized that they were writing their letters to Santa. I was going to mind my own business and leave this list between you and them, but then I got to thinking that you may not know everything there is to know about Bubba Jr. and Leroy Joe Bob.
Leroy Joe Bob and Bubba Jr. are a couple of my relatives and they are “those guy-guys” who can go into the woods with a bucket of junk and build a hovercraft. But they are also those guys who have this incredible imagination, believe themselves invincible and are constantly coming up with boo-boos as a result. They know things like “big guys should not drop and roll because you might break a rib.” Most of these pearls of wisdom have been gained by first-hand experience. Therefore, some of their gift requests simply shouldn’t be filled.
For example, they asked for a couple of tools. Now Santa, I’m the first to admit that I know almost nothing about tools but after looking at their list, I got out the little tool set here at work and found that the largest wrench I have is called a 7/16. Bubba and Leroy have asked for an open-end wrench, size 12 and ½. I even went back and looked again, thinking maybe I had read it wrong and they were asking for shoes, but no. Not only do they want a wrench that size, they are asking for something called “a cheater pipe,” and estimate that it needs to be at least five or six feet long.
It’s not that I begrudge them these tools. Anyone who knows Leroy Joe Bob and Bubba Jr. will know that the two of them are always working on something. The problem is, a big project in their hands probably means big trouble. So Santa, if they have a 12 and ½ inch bolt stuck on something, the safest thing is probably to leave it stuck.
They are also asking for jet engine fuel. I watched this movie awhile back about a guy who built a rocket on his farm with the intention of blasting off into space but the rocket fell over and the guy went zipping across the desert at four hundred miles an hour. As I was thinking about the broken bones and bruises this guy was bound to have, Leroy Joe Bob and Bubba Jr. were giving each other “that look.” You know the one I mean, Santa. It’s that look that says, “That looks like fun, let’s try it.”
Not for a minute should you think that they’re going to try to blast off to the moon. They’re going to try to make a rocket go skimming across the Arkansas countryside at four hundred miles an hour. The boys don’t always think things through and they may not realize that the desert is fairly flat with few obstacles.
Clark County is not.
There are some other things on their list that I’d rather you ignored as well. The blasting caps are a no brainer as well as the full-size airplane. Some of the requests seem safe enough till you look at the reason for the requests. Let’s just skip the Styrofoam cubes (which they’re going to use to make the airplane into a sea plane with the idea that they can land on the pond) and the 18-inch heat-resistant tubing (canon).
Now Santa, I’m not for a minute trying to say that you should ignore all the things on their wish list. For example, there’s the … well, you might give them a …
Actually, now that I’m looking over the list more carefully, maybe you should just leave a note saying that the mail must have lost their letter.
As for my requests, let’s just say that not filling Bubba and Leroy’s gift list is the best gift I could get.
Merry Christmas, Santa!
Your friend, Wendy
(Wendy Ledbetter is the editor of the Nevada County Picayune and the Gurdon Times and can be reached at wendylledbetter@yahoo.com)
